Be Brave

“Be Brave.”

I repeated the sentence over and over hoping it’ll make some difference, but to no effect.

Death was awaiting him and there was no stopping it. I mean, I knew we were all gonna die someday, but I never saw it coming this way.

Dan was distancing himself from me thinking that would help with the pain. It didn’t. If anything, I was more miserable.

“It’ll be fine,” he had said last week when I went to visit him. “These things happen. You just need to be brave.”

He was usually always very comfortable sharing with me but I knew he was lying to me this time.

Every time I went to visit him, he’d make up an excuse to run away from confrontation. “The doc says I should get some rest”, “Did you watch the new JTV episode?”, “Do Ash and Misty ever get together, though?”

“I saw this on my desk last night,” I said entering Dan’s ward last night.

“Oh ya! I asked Rachel to drop it off. Thought you might get a laugh out of it when I’m, you know..”

“Dead? Oh, I’m gonna laugh at that, alright!” I dropped the book on the table beside him and walked away.

I didn’t visit him for the next 2 days. I realized how stupid that was but I just couldn’t get myself to see him. He was getting sicker every day and his attitude only worse. I should’ve been there to support him but I wasn’t. I should’ve fought him to let me help him. I should’ve never left.

That morning I woke up determined to rush to the hospital to tell him what I felt. How I was sorry about my attitude, how I should’ve understood him when he tried to be distant, how I never told him how much I loved him. With that resolution, I got up to see the diary I had left at Dan’s room 2 days ago back on my desk. I finally opened it.

Dear Diary,

This is an extremely stupid idea but my teachers seem to think this is good for one’s psychological well-being. I could use some psychological wellbeing considering how I’m GOING CRAZY!

I have a friend, Elizabeth, who is probably the most wonderful human being on the planet and the friendship with whom I consider the most sacred thing (man, I wish she never reads this) is also somebody I am very much in love with.

Now, it might seem like I probably don’t even know what love is, (‘Seem’? To whom! This is a diary! This isn’t for somebody to read, jackass!) but oh if this isn't love, what is?

I can’t go a day without thinking about her if I don’t see her one day I get uncomfortable and not talking to her drives me crazy.

The other day-

My moment of glory was short lived when I heard the ring on my phone. I picked it up. On the other side was Joseph, Dan’s brother. “Elizabeth?”

“Ya. Joey, are you okay? You seem a little shaken.”

“It’s…. Dan.”

I drove-breaking every possible traffic rule- to the hospital and saw him be taken away. Daniel George. My first love. My everything. Gone.

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Growing Up

"We're all a little broken but the last time I checked, broken crayons still colour."

These couple of weeks were the darkest days of my life. I didn't want to do anything, even the things I once loved, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed. Every morning was worse than the last. I didn't know what to do. I was stressed, had anxiety and was overall confused. I knew I should talk to somebody about it but I didn't. The thought that I deserved to feel this way and that I didn't want to heal, wouldn't leave my mind. I cried everyday and would get overwhelmed at the smallest things. But I was cautious enough not to cry in front of people I loved as I knew it would worry them. But maybe that would've helped. One day, I lost control and burst into tears in front of my sister. My family was already sure that something was wrong by the way I had been behaving those days. My sister tried consoling me. When she asked me what was wrong, I had no answer. I had been asking myself the same thing. Soon, it became harder to control my tears. My mother found out and tried to help, all in vain. Then, one night, lying in bed I gave myself a pep talk. When all things failed, my own voice brought me back. Sure, I still find it difficult to keep my calm and I know I could fall back into that pit again,  but I also know that I'll be alright.

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