The Bigger Question

"So, what do you wanna be when you grow up?"

"A doctor!"

"An engineer!"

"Lawyer!!"

"Teacher?"

I think I answered along these lines as a child myself. But, so did the rest of my friends, like every other Indian child. Surely, there were a few who gave answers like "Journalist" or "Talk show host" and stuff. But they never really wanted it either. They just said it to be cool. Look them up now and you'll see them preparing for either the engineering or the medical entrance examination, like every other Indian child.

In fact, I, myself, am preparing for the medical examination. But truthfully, when I started, it wasn't just for the hell of it. I truly and seriously wanted to be a doctor one day; to be looked at with the utmost respect and hope. But now, 5 months later, I'm sick of it. Honestly, I'd still like to see myself in that entire House MD scenario but would I really?

I'm the sort of person who went through school trying to never mug up things but only understand and comprehend and learn, unlike my colleagues. And I was proud of myself because of that. Little did I know it was gonna come back to bite me in my a** in a few years.

You can't get through 11th and 12th grade without knowing how to mug up, especially if you're doing the pre medical course. Medicine, as far as I know, is all about the remembering. And yet, somehow, I feel like I'm not good at remembering stuff. 

As time went by, I started realizing medicine was not for me. Somehow, I started to feel like this never ending job was not what I was meant to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly believe in karma or anything but I do believe that I don't want to be where life is currently taking me (or I'm taking myself). And as appealing as being a doctor sounds, I'm not up for it. I know a lot of people will label me as a "procrastinator" now, but if you used to be someone who loved studying, so much so that you relied on studying to calm yourself down and now you just throw the book away with frustration half way through your reading, you just know something is wrong.

So, maybe I don't do medicine. Then what? What am I supposed to do? Maybe I could get into research, but I don't know how much our institutes have to offer. I might end up having to leave the country for it. 

I realize everyone goes through this in life, asking themselves what to do with their life but usually they're in college already or even graduated. But I'm in high school! Maybe it's a good thing that I'm already questioning it though. At least I won't end up having learnt something in school just to end up working in a completely unrelated job, like many people I know. But it's not like I can take a break, get relieved from student burnout (if that's a thing) and get to know myself and what I wanna do in life. And the reason for that on most levels is the society. But I guess THAT'S a completely different issue in itself.

So, now, I have to sit down for 9+4 hours everyday, doing something I don't enjoy or appreciate. 

Then, I guess the bigger question is "What do I enjoy and appreciate?" The answer: I don't know.