If I Was Alone

Life would be a hell lot easier if I were alone; if I were nobody's sister, nobody's daughter, nobody's friend. I wouldn't have to keep account of my life, not be responsible, not care to fulfil others' requirements of me. Just wake up, do me, sleep, repeat. No more "What would he think?" or "Oh, she'll be so disappointed!" Just fulfil my own wishes and desires and give no shit. I wouldn't have to feel guilty for indulging in things that give me pleasure and happiness or be treated like crap because I'm 'younger'. I could what I like and not be obliged to anybody's expectations but my own. I wouldn't have to lock myself in a room and cry for hours because 'stress got the best of me'. No more "Oh, he's so much better than me" or "Why does she not like me?" Just live life like it was meant to be lived, peacefully.

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Surprise?

"Up for meeting somebody hot?" I ask.

"Always." replies Vani. She's one of my best friends and has been for 5 years now. She was in town for a presentation. 

We were at a law school near us where she was to do her presentation in two days. 

"90 degrees to your left. The guy with the messy hair and Nike shoes in a black jersey." I say without even looking.

"Holy mother, he is hot!"

I nod.

Just then I see the guy I was referring to walk up to us and I turn towards him.

"Hey!" He comes and kisses me on my cheek as I watch Vaani's eyes go wide. I smile and hold his hand.

"Adi, Vaani. Vaani, Aditya." I introduce.

"Oh, hi." Vaani manages.

Adi smiles. "So, how's the presentation coming about?"

Vaani still in a buzz, shakes her head and says, "it's great. Would you be attending it?"

"I'm not sure. I think so. And hope so."

"MALI!" somebody screamed from the ground. 

"Gotta scoot."

"He is your boyfriend?!" Vaani asks as soon as Adi was out of sight. I laugh, holding my belly.

"That was so much fun!" I exclaim.

"But how come I don't know about this?"

"Because I never told you!"

"He's your very first boyfr-"

"We've only been together for 2 months. I already knew you were gonna come this month. So..."

"You had it planned for 2 effing months?"

I shrug.

"You have a problem."

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Be Brave

“Be Brave.”

I repeated the sentence over and over hoping it’ll make some difference, but to no effect.

Death was awaiting him and there was no stopping it. I mean, I knew we were all gonna die someday, but I never saw it coming this way.

Dan was distancing himself from me thinking that would help with the pain. It didn’t. If anything, I was more miserable.

“It’ll be fine,” he had said last week when I went to visit him. “These things happen. You just need to be brave.”

He was usually always very comfortable sharing with me but I knew he was lying to me this time.

Every time I went to visit him, he’d make up an excuse to run away from confrontation. “The doc says I should get some rest”, “Did you watch the new JTV episode?”, “Do Ash and Misty ever get together, though?”

“I saw this on my desk last night,” I said entering Dan’s ward last night.

“Oh ya! I asked Rachel to drop it off. Thought you might get a laugh out of it when I’m, you know..”

“Dead? Oh, I’m gonna laugh at that, alright!” I dropped the book on the table beside him and walked away.

I didn’t visit him for the next 2 days. I realized how stupid that was but I just couldn’t get myself to see him. He was getting sicker every day and his attitude only worse. I should’ve been there to support him but I wasn’t. I should’ve fought him to let me help him. I should’ve never left.

That morning I woke up determined to rush to the hospital to tell him what I felt. How I was sorry about my attitude, how I should’ve understood him when he tried to be distant, how I never told him how much I loved him. With that resolution, I got up to see the diary I had left at Dan’s room 2 days ago back on my desk. I finally opened it.

Dear Diary,

This is an extremely stupid idea but my teachers seem to think this is good for one’s psychological well-being. I could use some psychological wellbeing considering how I’m GOING CRAZY!

I have a friend, Elizabeth, who is probably the most wonderful human being on the planet and the friendship with whom I consider the most sacred thing (man, I wish she never reads this) is also somebody I am very much in love with.

Now, it might seem like I probably don’t even know what love is, (‘Seem’? To whom! This is a diary! This isn’t for somebody to read, jackass!) but oh if this isn't love, what is?

I can’t go a day without thinking about her if I don’t see her one day I get uncomfortable and not talking to her drives me crazy.

The other day-

My moment of glory was short lived when I heard the ring on my phone. I picked it up. On the other side was Joseph, Dan’s brother. “Elizabeth?”

“Ya. Joey, are you okay? You seem a little shaken.”

“It’s…. Dan.”

I drove-breaking every possible traffic rule- to the hospital and saw him be taken away. Daniel George. My first love. My everything. Gone.

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Growing Up

"We're all a little broken but the last time I checked, broken crayons still colour."

These couple of weeks were the darkest days of my life. I didn't want to do anything, even the things I once loved, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't even want to get out of bed. Every morning was worse than the last. I didn't know what to do. I was stressed, had anxiety and was overall confused. I knew I should talk to somebody about it but I didn't. The thought that I deserved to feel this way and that I didn't want to heal, wouldn't leave my mind. I cried everyday and would get overwhelmed at the smallest things. But I was cautious enough not to cry in front of people I loved as I knew it would worry them. But maybe that would've helped. One day, I lost control and burst into tears in front of my sister. My family was already sure that something was wrong by the way I had been behaving those days. My sister tried consoling me. When she asked me what was wrong, I had no answer. I had been asking myself the same thing. Soon, it became harder to control my tears. My mother found out and tried to help, all in vain. Then, one night, lying in bed I gave myself a pep talk. When all things failed, my own voice brought me back. Sure, I still find it difficult to keep my calm and I know I could fall back into that pit again,  but I also know that I'll be alright.

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A finding.

This is something I wrote when I was trying out creative-writing-now.com's "30 days of inspiration".

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"I really wish you were you here, mom!"
As I stood by my mother's tombstone, every last memory of hers came rushing back to me. I was 6 when she died. I don't remember a lot about her and my dad prefers to stay quite.
I turned around to leave when I saw something that was to remain with me for the rest of my life.
"David?" He turned towards me.
David was a great friend of mine. He lived next door and we practically grew up together. Yet, I never knew he had lost someone.
"Oh." was all he could manage.
"What-?" I didn't know what to ask! How can you just someone why they were in a cemetery!
He smiled at my shoes. "I thought you came here only Wednesdays and Saturdays."
"It's her birth anniversary."
He nodded.
"Is there something you'd like to tell me?" As far as I know, he always told me everything. It would be shocking to anyone who knows us that he was here and I didn't know why.
He didn't speak for a while. Then, he looked at my face and started, "You know my mother's husband? He's not my dad!" WHAT? "My dad is there." He pointed at the tombstone he was in front of.
"How long have you known this?"
"Not a lot. My mom doesn't know that I know... Let's just leave."
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We didn't talk until we reached his car. I tapped on his shoulder when he was about to get in.
"I know it's easy to say but, it'll be okay." I took his hand. And he looked at me the way he never had. My heart was beating like a drum and there was a collection of butterflies in my stomach.
He leaned in towards me and I had my very first kiss.

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I hope you liked it and I also hope you'll comment. And follow me to know when my posts are up. 

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A dream

Okay, so I know it's not a Saturday, my usual day of uploading but I just couldn't wait to put it up.

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So, I texted my best friend from 9 years ago

(I think I even thought I was gonna marry him one day) saying "Hi. Remember me?" Now, I'm not the sort of person who would ever text somebody first. I hate that feeling of vulnerability. But last night, I had the most incredible dream, which, yes, had him in it. I'm not gonna explain the details (no, it wasn't anything dirty, you pervs) but it was basically us meeting again after all those years and just talking. It felt so great. Like I had a friend again.

The weird thing is the dream was so vivid, so clear, so real, I just didn't wanna wake up. I just wanted to stay like that. And I thought to myself, "Why did I never talk to him before?"

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Hey! Comment below giving me feedbacks. I would love for you to do that. 

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The Bigger Question

"So, what do you wanna be when you grow up?"

"A doctor!"

"An engineer!"

"Lawyer!!"

"Teacher?"

I think I answered along these lines as a child myself. But, so did the rest of my friends, like every other Indian child. Surely, there were a few who gave answers like "Journalist" or "Talk show host" and stuff. But they never really wanted it either. They just said it to be cool. Look them up now and you'll see them preparing for either the engineering or the medical entrance examination, like every other Indian child.

In fact, I, myself, am preparing for the medical examination. But truthfully, when I started, it wasn't just for the hell of it. I truly and seriously wanted to be a doctor one day; to be looked at with the utmost respect and hope. But now, 5 months later, I'm sick of it. Honestly, I'd still like to see myself in that entire House MD scenario but would I really?

I'm the sort of person who went through school trying to never mug up things but only understand and comprehend and learn, unlike my colleagues. And I was proud of myself because of that. Little did I know it was gonna come back to bite me in my a** in a few years.

You can't get through 11th and 12th grade without knowing how to mug up, especially if you're doing the pre medical course. Medicine, as far as I know, is all about the remembering. And yet, somehow, I feel like I'm not good at remembering stuff. 

As time went by, I started realizing medicine was not for me. Somehow, I started to feel like this never ending job was not what I was meant to do. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly believe in karma or anything but I do believe that I don't want to be where life is currently taking me (or I'm taking myself). And as appealing as being a doctor sounds, I'm not up for it. I know a lot of people will label me as a "procrastinator" now, but if you used to be someone who loved studying, so much so that you relied on studying to calm yourself down and now you just throw the book away with frustration half way through your reading, you just know something is wrong.

So, maybe I don't do medicine. Then what? What am I supposed to do? Maybe I could get into research, but I don't know how much our institutes have to offer. I might end up having to leave the country for it. 

I realize everyone goes through this in life, asking themselves what to do with their life but usually they're in college already or even graduated. But I'm in high school! Maybe it's a good thing that I'm already questioning it though. At least I won't end up having learnt something in school just to end up working in a completely unrelated job, like many people I know. But it's not like I can take a break, get relieved from student burnout (if that's a thing) and get to know myself and what I wanna do in life. And the reason for that on most levels is the society. But I guess THAT'S a completely different issue in itself.

So, now, I have to sit down for 9+4 hours everyday, doing something I don't enjoy or appreciate. 

Then, I guess the bigger question is "What do I enjoy and appreciate?" The answer: I don't know.

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